Enlightenment

I’ve been living in pain. Pain can take away your soul and spirit.

In the past year I’ve experienced a series of physical traumas. Most recently, I’ve had nerve pain in my legs, which makes it difficult to walk, sit, and stand. Previously, walking was the activity I treasured most.

I’ve also experienced the heartbreaking emotional trauma of a breakup. Pain has touched my body and soul.

As I type this, the nerves in my hands are feeling hot pain. I’ll type slowly.

The definition of enlightenment eludes me.

I previously thought enlightenment was a continued state of being an unencumbered human, a state unattainable in this world.

I’ve recently read some theories that enlightenment can be reached in the temporal world, however you describe it.

Previously, I’ve experienced some deep energetic connections to myself, my body, and the world through yoga and meditation. These states have been ephemeral, but meaningful.

Pain has made me feel disconnected to my body, not ‘in’ my body, if that makes sense. As someone who is used to deeply embodying my physical being, this is fearful. It induces anxiety and sadness and a supreme sense of loss of self.

Yesterday night, I experienced a deep physical and spiritual connection to my body and the universe, which I might describe as enlightenment.

I downloaded a hypnosis app called Mindset. I’ve previously been both curious and skeptical about hypnosis, and also a bit scared. An app allows me to do this in private where I feel safe.

During the hypnosis I imagined places where I felt most peaceful. A soft quiet evening meditation in a small pool in Bali with the water trickling and the warm night air against my skin. I was injured but at that moment everything felt ok. I pictured myself floating in the Sundara pool that overlooked the ocean. I felt my feet on the sand walking to the ocean. I felt the healing waters of Esalen, where I spent a spiritual night with my boyfriend, where I felt happiness and calmness.

After the hypnosis I began rapidly breathing and was not able to stand and walk because my legs gave way to the relaxation. I felt my body tingling everywhere. I laid in bed hugging a pillow breathing and letting the energy flow through me. I’ve read that animals have a tremor response to process trauma and humans suppress the processing of trauma and hold it in their bodies. I was releasing this trauma.

I began connecting energetically to myself and letting the trauma leave my body and called on healing energy. I continued breathing and I felt loving kindness for everyone. I began saying names of people and sent loving kindness to every name I could think of.

I felt energy emanating from my mind and body and a connection to a spiritual power. It was truly profound.

Today things felt quiet. I took a walk and cried because my legs were in pain. I felt closer to nature. I touched every flower and leaf.

I smelled this flower and the sensory experience was beautiful.

I touched the smoothness of these rocks.

I experienced the beauty of this view.